Fear of the future can be paralyzing.
I’ve never had this problem before, but a few months ago I found myself freaking out and wondering how I was possibly going to manage everything I needed to and still continue with my book series as I had originally planned.
The stark truth of it was that there was physically, and literally no way that I could. That realization put me in such a state of denial that I immediately froze and tried to come up with a thousand different ways I could make my writing my priority.
That’s where I’ve been floating for the last few months as I’ve upended my life while spending a small fortune on our first house (technically town-home, but whatever. I own the property I live in which is a huge deal in Southern California.) After finding out I was pregnant after the doctors had told me medically it wasn’t naturally possible, I was terrified that jumping up and down too much would ruin everything. So I kept telling myself that once we passed 12 weeks my life would get back to normal.
It didn’t, because in the back of my mind while I visited with one of my best friends who came out from Colorado, while I picked out paint samples for the second bedroom, and unpacked, and organized, and grew out of my clothes (so much more depressing than I anticipated), and realized truly that in five months from now I will be forced to go through a very terrifying and painful process and then handed a life form I’m supposed to be responsible for a weight hung over me. It’s a very…..”The Point of No Return” moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I am eternally grateful and happy for this surprise, but I have a very difficult time with change. I thought my own kids weren’t in my future. I kind of loved the idea of being able to plan on picking up a small child from adoption in a few years I didn’t have to birth and were preferably already potty trained lol. This is probably the best surprise ever, but hey, when am I going to have time to write? To get all my homework done, and still do all my chores, and I dunno bathe?
For whatever reason, I’ve observed that new mothers love terrifying pregnant women. “Yes, everything changes. You won’t have time for anything, all of your priorities will change, and giving up on all your previous life goals is a give-in. Nobody got time for dat,” while I sit across from them with my mouth open in horror. Sounds like every feminists’ nightmare. Then of course you ask, how bad was labor? Knowing you don’t want to know. Just hoping if you can mentally prepare yourself so it won’t be so bad. “You’ll tear from end to end….” “Oh yeah if they cut open your stomach all your guts just sit in a bowl next to you while you’re awake.” What the serious f***. I shouldn’t have asked, lol.
So where will writing go? How behind am I going to get? I’m already months behind now. How many fans am I going to lose? “Nobody wants to know about a woman writer and her mommy issues, go write another blog for that.” I mean I guess I could but….why? This one is titled ‘Life and Writing’ for a reason. “Oh readers don’t want to hear about your personal issues.” Sigh. I’m a professional, but I also feel my readers and general followers deserve to know why I’ve been avoiding social media. Mostly out of the vicious cycle of guilt and fear.
So the point of this post is to let you know that I’ve finally come to terms with just doing what I can while I can and not giving up. If I can still write everyday, whether it’s 100 words, 1000, or 5000 I’m going to get it done. Yes, my publishing schedule is being thrown out the window. I’m going to shoot for one or two books a year instead of three or four.
Those writer momma’s out there (and Dad’s. I’m talking about you Andy Goldman.), I’m so incredibly impressed and in awe. If you have any tips I’m all ears, because between school, a tiny monster child, and still trying to finish a book all at the same time is my own personal nightmare.
Since I have finally accepted this, I have been able to write again starting last week. It’s not what I would like, but it’s something. And I will not get anywhere if I write nothing. So here’s to one more year of my BA, a new monster child, and hopefully releasing a few books too.